Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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