Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
