I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
