I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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