Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
