Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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