Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
