There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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