I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
