Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
