I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
