my phone needs a breathalizer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
