i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
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