i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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