Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize