4 words: hood of his car
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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