I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
