Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
