if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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