I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize