he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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