the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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