I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
