Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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