Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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