I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I've blown a few things in my day
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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