He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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