were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize