You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
