If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
