Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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