so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize