is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
