i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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