Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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