He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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