2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
