They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
