i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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