your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
