You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
