i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
