1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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