Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
