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I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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