Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
