This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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