She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
