i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
