then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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