Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
