Christians are straight up FREAKS
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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