just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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