I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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