Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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