Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
