I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
