I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
What a dumb baby whore.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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