need another drink. this is the easiest way
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
