did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize