Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
