cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
