my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
