I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
