the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's never too late to be topless.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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