all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
