I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
