Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize