I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
